Let’s start with the obvious! I’m human. I only have a certain amount of energy per day. I cannot, as hard as I try, fit in every single thing that I want to do. And there’s so so so much to do. I’m one of those people who wants to do everything and anything under the moon. Travel the entire world? Hell yeah. Get a Master’s in several faculties? Oh yes. Have a social life? Make enough money to retire while I’m 40? Finish reading all the greatest books ever written? Master the piano and be so effing awesome? Write thousands of masterpieces that will long outlive me? Do all of that while having a consistent sleep schedule and an hour to exercise, cook home-cooked meals, and eat healthily? Yes. Yes and Yes.
So, yeah, you get the gist. I want to do it all, and I know how fleeting time is. There is absolutely no way I get to do it all. There was this one movie where the character can keep reliving his days, and his dad tells him to utilize the time by reading as many books as possible. What movie was that? Guess it was an okay-ish movie, or I would’ve remembered. But getting to relive some days. How awesome!
Okay, back to the main topic. There is no central issue at hand except that sometimes (most times), I have to say NO to the things that don’t serve me. And this is because I value my time and would not particularly like to spend it doing something that doesn’t make me happy. But the guilt creeps in: Why am I so selfish? And then I ask myself: Why am I feeling guilty about choosing myself over others? You guys ever felt the same? Like you do something for yourself, and immediately the guilt takes over. Why did I do it? Why can I not be more sacrificing? Why could I not choose Everybody else’s happiness over my own? See how ridiculous these questions sound in the first place?
Think it was Sushmita Sen who said, “Everybody is selfish, and it’s okay. But denying that you aren’t selfish is not okay.” I love that woman. What a daring, rebellious role model to look up to. Ya know when we were younger, and there was a ‘Sushmita Sen’ squad and an ‘Aishwarya Rai’ squad? I was always the Sushmita squad. Not that Aishwarya is not a queen in her own rights. And not that they’re looking for my validity anyway. And not that my validation lifts their already stellar image in any way. Geezz…. Get back to the point, Mrs. Haze!
So yeah. I am a little selfish. I think for my own good. I value myself and my time. And no, I will not apologize! The guilt can guilt trip itself into oblivion. You’re the sum of the five people you most hang out with. One of those people in my life once said to me, “Instead of thinking of your own good, think about the people you would make happy by doing what they think is best for you. It’s one against so many. Would you rather not make so many others happy instead?” Ermmm… At the expense of what? What if, at the end of the day, I don’t like myself for doing what I’m doing? Who am I doing it for?
Sure there are people who are extreme philanthropists and social workers, and they give their all for the betterment of society. But isn’t there a catch, too? Aren’t they doing what they’re doing because it makes them happy? There was an episode on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (which I’m sure all of you have watched, and if you haven’t, really?? Why not!?) wherein Phoebe wishes to make an utterly unselfish gesture, and Joey tells her that it is impossible. Even when you give your all away to someone else, seeing them happy inherently makes you happy, and that’s your selfish purpose right there!
So point is.. there is no point. I’m not asking you to be selfish or think only for yourself. That’s not the reason I have this blog. I’m only telling you my side of the story. I put myself first. I think for myself. I value myself, my time, my headspace, me. This is me: as selfish as I can get. Always thinking of ways to better myself than yesterday. Always looking to better use my time. Always looking for an out from boring gossip and bland T.V. Saying NO to things that don’t serve me. Making excuses for not ‘being able to’ attend certain events because, hell, I just don’t want to!
Next time someone blatantly points out how selfish I’m being, I’m just going to smile. Hopefully, my smile makes their day! Or not. Either way.
